Numbers

	  		NUMBERS 
Recorded by Bobby Bare 
Written by Shel Silverstein 
 
G I was sittin' here Friday suppin' on a glass of D wine 
When in walked a chick who almost struck me G blind 
Had wet blue eyes and her legs were long and C fine 
On a D scale of ONE to TEN (pause) I'd give her a G NINE. 
 
Now on my scale there ain't no TEN's, you know 
NINE is about as far as any chick can go 
So I flashed her a smile, but she didn't even look at me 
So for brains and good judgement, give her a THREE. 
 
I said, hey sweet thing, you look like a possible EIGHT 
You and me could, uh! make EIGHTEEN, if your head's on straight 
She looked up and down my perfect frame 
And said these words that burned into my perfect brain. 
 
She said, well, another one of those macho Texas men 
Tryin' to grade all women on scales of ONE to TEN 
And, uh!, you give me an EIGHT, well, that's a generous thing to do 
Now, let's just see, just how much I give you. 
 
(CHANGE TO KEY OF A) 
A She said you comin' on to me with that phony NUMBERS E jive 
Your style makes me smile, I give it a A FIVE 
When you walked up I noticed that suit of D (yores) 
It's E last year's double knit-french cuffs, give it a A FOUR. 
 
That must be your car parked out on the curb 
That 'SIXTY-NINE homemade convertible, A THREE and A THIRD 
I saw that build, I guess (yore) less than FIVE 
Said, for your pot belly, I'd give that a TEN for size. 
 
That wine you're pourin' might be fine to you 
But I'm used to fine champagne, I give it a TWO 
It's hard to tell what your flashin' smile is worth 
I give it a SIX, you could use some dental work. 
 
But, It's your struttin' rooster act that really makes me laugh 
It may be a TEN to these country hens, but to me a THREE and A HALF 
And there really ain't much to add once the subtractin's done 
And since there ain't no ZEROes, I give you a ONE. 
 
She walked out, while up and down the line 
The whole bar was laughin', sayin' BARE, what happened to your NINE 
NINE says I, hell soon as she started to talk I knew 
She didn't have no class, I barely gave her a TWO. 
 
(TALK) Yeah! No matter how good they look at first 
There's flaws in all of them 
That's why on a scale of TEN to ONE, friend 
There ain't no TEN.